A "What-if" for i_am_l

[kira_wins]

The odd sense that something was wrong had been nagging at the back of Light's mind for days now. Something was wrong, obviously, he was shackled to the World's Greatest Detective 24 hours a day after spending months in solitary confinement in a futile attempt to clear his name. That would get to anyone, and the stress of the Kira case had added so much gray hair to his father's head in the last year that it was amazing that he hadn't had a second heart attack and died. Yes, something was wrong. Kira was loose and had the entire world at his mercy, no one could afford to help them and so it was up to Light and L to save the world on their own.

A lot was wrong, but the uneasy feeling that something was wrong-wrong weighed on him when he woke up in the morning and started glancing around the room for something, or someone, without really knowing what or why. It was like trying to grab onto a wisp of smoke, which only dispelled it faster.

But this time Light woke up in the middle of the dream. In the middle of the night. In the middle of their shared bed which L rarely bothered with himself. Light lunged for the wisp of smoke and this time caught something solid. He sat bolt upright, staring wide-eyed into the darkess. "Ryuuzaki!"

Comments

[i_am_l]

If L ever slept in that bed, it was in the upright position he hand now, cuddling against his own bent legs in the bedside chair. He was peacefully dozing, catching his usual few hours of sleep when Light's urgent voice startled him awake.

"...yes?" he asked, after taking a few moments to look around the room. No intruders, nothing out of place...so Light must know something. "What is it?"

[kira_wins]

"...I need this recorded. Audio. Before I forget." Because it was a dream, the slippery wisp would vanish soon enough and leave Light wondering what he had gotten so worked up about.

Either L would set something up quickly, or he was already recording the room anyway, or there would be no record at but L's memory. The images were fading by the second and so Light began anyway.

"There's paper, lined notebook paper, and... there's something wrong with it but I don't remember what. The paper... it has... names. That's how it works, that's how they don't have to be in the same room or ever meet the victim, it's writing it down. And it's the paper that does it... but... it's not always the paper?"

Light scrubbed his hands over his bleary face. "And there's something else, something really important, but I keep forgetting why." He pushed up out of the bed and starts to pace, then stopped and glanced around in the dark.

"It's something in this room."

[i_am_l]

Naturally, L had a recorder in the room just in case he caught Light murmuring in his sleep; but also there were cameras with sound. Either way, Light's every word was caught, and L was...bothered. It sounded like a nightmare. And then there was the foreboding way Light mentioned something in this room.

"...Light...should I have the room searched?"

[kira_wins]

He shakes his head. "...No, you'll never find it. No one will. That's the point. You'll never find it... "

Light shuffled slowly in the direction of his dresser. "But this is even more important: I'll never find it. Because... I'm the only one who can. But why?"

[i_am_l]

"...are you sure about this?" L tilted his head, birdlike. "It wasn't just another nightmare?"

He said it very nonchalantly, of course, but he knew nightmares and dreams were often a sign of a guilty conscience. Stress recounted from the subconscious mind...he wanted to see how Light answered.

[kira_wins]

"Sure that it means something, yes.... Could you turn the lights on?" Light wasn't even sure if he was in the right part of the room. Interrupting that faint intuition by moving to the light switch would destroy whatever was left.

"Abstract non-reality turned into symbolic non-reality is one thing. A vague sense of dread, shadowy darkness, a clawed monster, the general feeling of flying or being underwater, even being in very familiar places doing simple mundane tasks, but that's not it."

At first closing his eyes in case the sudden image of whatever part of the room he was looking at simply replaced what he was actually searching for, then opening them slowly, Light rambled on in order to try holding onto his trancelike state.

"Sometimes the brain continues the day's problem-solving process, the dreaming mind does your thinking for you when your conscious mind just can't make the essential information line up properly. But the intuitive process, the one that never thinks to question things like being able to fly, is unable to present the valid connections in a way the conscious mind can understand. Concrete symbolism is a common way to make things click. The snake biting its own tail that suddenly revealed the molecular structure of benzene. The grid-like diagram lying on a table that never existed which created the Periodic Table. Paper, simple notebook paper, as a concrete image of how Kira might be killing people but makes mistakes every time he doesn't have the correct name. A clock representing the passage of time."

On top of Light's dresser lay his graduation present, the watch his father had given him, one Light expected to wear every day for the rest of his life whether they became antiquated or not. Tradition was important and symbolism was at the very heart of tradition.

"But it can also represent so many other things, depending on the context. An ordinary object that signifies a clue, an idea that never quite made it to the surface in all the factual review." Light picked it up and began examining it, treating it as something he'd never seen before.

"My father. Information collected by the police might contain a hidden mistake that unlocks the whole solution. High school graduation, where I learned something I've only taken for granted ever since. A physical object that could also be connected to my suspicions about how Kira kills, maybe there's a special timer he uses to cause the deaths. Maybe the murder weapon itself is the special timer, or that's simply a method of secure transport for the murder weapon... AAAH!

Whatever was left of Light's attempt at self-hypnosis was shattered when he dropped the watch to the floor as if it had just burned his hands, then he backed away wide-eyed. Whatever vague fear the nightmare might have contained had been rediscovered at that moment, and was not fading with the lights on as it should.

[i_am_l]

L was silent the entire time Light rambled, listening carefully, hanging on to every word...and then the watch dropped. L let the drama of the moment settle for a few long seconds, before he slowly moved to the floor to retrieve the watch.

"What are you trying to tell me, Light?"

He asked it slowly, trying to keep the tight anticipation out of his voice. It was hard to tell whether anyone would take those ramblings for what L knew they were, or simply some mental disorder. He'd been in that state before, himself.

...then again, it could be insanity. It was hard to judge oneself that way.

[kira_wins]

Slowly, with his eyes still focused on the watch, Light shook his head. Then he looked up at L much more calmly.

"It was just a nightmare after all. A vague sense of fear with no identifiable source." He shrugged, apologetically, and truly believed what he was saying now. "Since we're out of ideas, I figured it was worth a try. Sometimes police consult a 'psychic' when they're stuck with no leads, just for fresh ideas."

[i_am_l]

"...I see," L said, examining the watch in his hands.

That fear had been real, but sometimes nightmares could be that powerful, he knew... Still, what had it been, about the watch...?

[kira_wins]

In the clarity of the waking world, Light realized just how ridiculous the situation was.

"You already examined that watch while I was in confinement. Probably more than a few times. You probably even took x-rays, too, along with everything else I had on me when I got here. Sure, it's personally meaningful to me because of unrelated context, but it's really just a watch."

[i_am_l]

L looked up at light, abyssal gaze intense as it met the other man's.

"Then why did you seem so afraid of it just a moment ago?"

[kira_wins]

Light sighed, the adrenaline rush fading and leaving a vague weariness in its wake.

"I didn't want to say anything, but... I'm afraid of Kira, too. Ever since I impersonated him on television I've been sure that he's after me, too. We're all targets and you have even more reason to worry. I knew what I was risking back then and there's really no point in me whining about it now. It's not like it will help the investigation if I do."

[i_am_l]

"Hmm..." L glanced away, looking uncomfortable. Emotions... He stepped closer and offered Light the watch back, still studying his movements, his tone. It really was a lame excuse. "That's not what I asked."

[kira_wins]

Light took it and focused his eyes back on L's.

"I'm worried that he's going to find a way to smuggle the murder weapon into Headquarters so he can take both of us out at once. With the handcuffs on that shouldn't be too difficult if it has a radius of effect... he just has to be certain that we'll be carrying it when he pulls the trigger."

[i_am_l]

L kept eye contact with him for another long moment. He relinquished control, letting the moment pass. "...you make a valid point."

He turned back to his chair...before looking back over his shoulder. "I don't suppose you'd prefer if I were in the bed? I've heard that sometimes physical contact with others while sleeping can stave off nightmares."

[kira_wins]

Physical contact? Light's eyebrows pinched together briefly.

"To be honest, I don't know how well it would work? I've only slept by myself since before I can remember. I've heard that too, but if I have this nightmare again I might think that you're Kira. Or that you're 'you,' and we're about to die."

Light glanced back at the bed. Considering the results he was getting with no contact, though, it might be worth a try?

"Or maybe it won't happen because I've already thought about it while awake."

[i_am_l]

"You don't have to be mean about it," L said, obviously not actually sore. "Either way, I probably won't sleep."

[kira_wins]

Light thought about it a little and nodded slowly. "That would probably help more. I would feel like someone competent was on watch so nothing's going to sneak up on me."

[i_am_l]

Aww, a compliment. L stepped up onto the bed and crouched onto the pillow Light hadn't been using, and rested his hands atop his knees.

[kira_wins]

Light had been deliberately cultivating that picture in his own mind for months now (or was it years?). There was no other way he could sleep soundly when he knew L was staring at him, if not at the time then later when reviewing the night's footage. Modesty itself was long gone, erased while he was kept in confinement.

"But if I don't react well it's nothing personal." He climbed into bed on 'his' side, the part of the bed furthest from the glowing screen and clicking laptop that L liked to use in the dead of night. The extra slack on the handcuff chain was nice, and he settled down quickly.

"Maybe I'll think you're my mom waking me up for school, too. Or Sayu wanting me to turn on her cartoons for her when our parents are still asleep. I would probably complain about that, too."

[i_am_l]

A tinge of something, stuck between bitterness and guilt, tugged at L. He didn't respond for a moment, hating the mention of his family. It could be a manipulation tactic by Kira, to make himself seem normal, a shield. Or Light could really miss his family, and here was L, keeping him here, wrongly.

"...I don't think I'm that feminine," L said, relaxing against the headboard. He didn't reach for his laptop just yet.

[kira_wins]

Light chuckled a little. "It won't matter when my eyes are closed and I can't hear your voice, and I'm thinking about getting up early to study for the qualifying exam. That I'll never have to take again."

It wasn't exactly physical contact, then. More like physical proximity. Good enough, Light could hear L breathing from here.

"Good night, Ryuuzaki." Light said that every time he wanted to be left in peace to fall asleep. It seemed more polite than hearing a sugar cube building collapse to the floor and asking L to knock it off.

[i_am_l]

"Good night, Light," L said, and thumped his head softly back against the headboard. What a strange night...

Of course, the whole time, he's thinking about what Light said in his frenzy to recall...whatever he'd found in his nightmare. Writing it down? The names... Of course, the names of criminals were public record, and they appeared on the news all the time. A notebook... Was that how Kira kept a list of his victims? He wasn't sure what that had to do with how Kira killed people...

[kira_wins]

Light had been asleep for less than an hour when he flailed himself awake again.

"Th-the handcuffs! They weren't there yet!"

[i_am_l]

L flinched away from Light's sudden jump, eyes wide.

"...what."

[kira_wins]

Light fell back onto the bed with a groan and slung an arm over his eyes. The one that happened to have the chain attached.

"Sorry. That dream was even stupider than the last one."

[i_am_l]

"...sounds like it."

Tentatively...L reached over to pet his fingers through Light's hair. He didn't even get a full brush through before he stopped, feeling silly. He wondered why so many nightmares tonight...

[kira_wins]

Barely noticing the touch on a conscious level, Light still let out a breath and relaxed a little. He didn't move his arm though.

"If I talked about it, would that help you figure out whether or not I'm Kira? Dream analysis is pretty pointless, though. Except that talking about nightmares can sometimes make them go away."

[i_am_l]

"Feel free to talk about it, either way," L said. It would only give him information, useful or not...

[kira_wins]

Better to be psychoanalyzed than keep waking up like this. Light pulled his arm off his face, dropped it to his side, and stared blankly at the ceiling.

"The handcuffs. I dream about them a lot, but it's always me trying to follow the chain to figure out what's on the other end. It's not you. It's nothing. Just the other side of the handcuffs, lying there empty. No monster, no dead bodies. In a cabinet, or the bottom of the ocean, or whatever place the bizarrely long chain goes."

He blinks at the ceiling and actually figures something out. "...It's just a dead end. Every time." Light holds up the chain to examine it.

"Kira couldn't have known about the cuffs. Couldn't even have guessed you would do this. Kira couldn't even have known I was going to come here and ask to be observed, that's even more of an unexpected approach. Kira must know my name and my face, he's known them all along. I'm the Police Chief's son and he massacres law enforcement. My name and face are all over the internet, too. In my high school yearbooks. I'm not dead yet... and he never planned to use me to get to you..."

"... So why am I not already dead?"

[i_am_l]

L...believed he knew the answer to that. It was simple...

Except for the way Light had been behaving lately. Possibly some sort of amnesia, or else very good acting. He could be lying about this, now...but he had brought up a very good point, and one that wasn't necessarily in his favor.

"...perhaps he's underestimating you. You're the Chief's son, not the Chief; it would make more sense for him to have killed your father by now," he said, carefully. "But that hasn't happened, either."

[kira_wins]

Light shook his head dismissively. "That's not possible. If Kira can track the police that closely he can easily keep track of me. I live my life out in the open, have forever, and I never suspected anyone of spying on me. Or following me around, or... tracking me online, that would be easy too. Kira could probably figure out that broadcast was my work too if he could look at the code and knew what kind of things I've turned in as school projects. And then I just vanished without a trace a few months ago. Like my father, but at least he goes home occasionally. There was no funeral."

Light shakes his head again. "He knows I'm after him. He knows it, there's no other explanation. If he knows that, he also knows I'm a lot more dangerous to him than any of the police... I should be dead by now. I should have been dead months ago. I should have been dead less than a week after I dropped out of school. He has every reason to kill me, but he wants me alive? For what? There's NOTHING that would be enough of a benefit as to outweigh the risk, not with me... Even if there was he would have killed me just for impersonating him."

[i_am_l]

"He knows you're working with me, after all," L said. "You're at less risk handcuffed here, and I'm in more danger, in that case. ...until I die, in which case you may have no use to him."

[kira_wins]

"But it can't be that! If he wanted to draw you out then the murders wouldn't have stopped! Kira, the Second Kira, they vanished! The last thing the Second Kira said was that he was going to pass on the power to as many people as he can... he WANTS me to search for him, and he wants me to do it with you! He WANTS us to find him, but not you. He hates you. He wants me alive and he wants ME to find him because..."

Light stopped speaking for a moment, now staring blankly at the ceiling. "...He's chosen me as his successor."

[i_am_l]

"...then I believe it is to both our benefit to stay chained together like this," L said. He wasn't completely throwing the idea out the window; it could be true...

[kira_wins]

Light groaned again and pressed the heels of his hands over his eyes.

"THAT'S why I'm paranoid about it. Deep down I'm worried that Kira set a trap for me, just me, and it's something a lot worse than death waiting for me there."

[i_am_l]

"Being paranoid is a good way to stay alive," L said, "And as long as we're able to keep you away from the second Kira, they will have no choice but to wait. Or find another tactic."

[kira_wins]

"The Second Kira is gone. So is the first Kira. Kira loved his power, he wouldn't want to give it up unless he really, truly, had no other option. Then, he'd still make a foolproof plan and set it in motion before he was gone."

[i_am_l]

"...the Second Kira is not gone..." L said, narrowing his eyes. "I thought that was the point of this," he added, rattling the chain.

[kira_wins]

"Of course the Second Kira is gone! Do you think the real Kira would put up with a loose cannon like that endangering his mission? He took that mission very seriously, and the Second Kira almost ruined everything. That final message, the one we thought might be written by Kira? It was, because he had already destroyed the Second Kira and wanted to throw us a few more red herrings in the process."

Only then did Light actually stop to think about what L had just said. He shook his head slowly.

"No, the Second Kira must be gone. That's the only thing that makes sense. It's what I would do. This must be a third Kira. A placeholder. Bait for us. For me... that's what I would do, too. That's what will spring the trap..."

[i_am_l]

"...it's interesting how you keep alluding to these actions as things "you would do," as though Kira thinks in the same way," L said, his stare only intensifying.

[kira_wins]

"How many times have you asked me to do exactly that?" I can't exactly think like a madman unless I put myself in his place. Only this time I'm not actually looking for Kira, I'm trying to hunt down my own mental representation of him so I can defeat that, stop having these vague nightmares with Kira trying to hunt me down, and get back to solving the real case."

[i_am_l]

"Alright, calm down," L said, sighing. He finally rested his hand atop Light's head, patting it awkwardly. "I accept your theory of a third Kira. We'll see what comes of it in the morning."

[kira_wins]

The morning. Right. Light, at least, needed sleep. Especially after the multiple adrenaline jolts from jumping at shadows. He closed his eyes and let out a breath. Calming down was a really good idea.

"Here I am talking like I'm the most important person in the word to Kira, that I'm destined to become the world's most evil murderer. Why? Am I jealous of all the attention he's getting? I guess I really am just a childish, impatient megalomaniac after all."

The ranting finally slowed and Light fell back into the bed again. "There's nothing at the other end of the chain," he murmured, eyes closing.

[i_am_l]

"...that's not true," L said, after a long moment of silence. He moved his wrist by example, the chain between them clinking. "I am at the other end of the chain."

[kira_wins]

"No. You're next to me, trying to follow the same length of chain, over and over again, to the same dead end. You keep hoping Kira will be there but he's not. He never was."

[i_am_l]

"That just means you're frustrated, and afraid this is all going nowhere. But it's not," L said. "If Kira truly wants you as his successor, then it should be easier than ever to catch him."

[kira_wins]

"You mean harder than ever. He knows you, Ryuuzaki, and he knows me. He's sure he has us both outsmarted, or at least outmaneuvered. He has abilities we don't understand and probably hidden powers we can't anticipate. We'll never see it coming. Once we figure out what happened it will already be too late."

Despite the alarming implications of the thoughts he was expressing Light was able to shift onto one side and fall asleep quickly.